why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
