like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
