when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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