you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
wow bdsm is so cute
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
