with your own penis?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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