Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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