I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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