you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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