every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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