who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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