im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
