Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
