please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
