i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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