At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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