I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
