i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and she was petting her beer can
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
