I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
