Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
