I'm really into asian looking animals
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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