Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
