Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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