Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
