he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
