she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
