This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
