What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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