note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
