im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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