Moan for me like Helen Keller
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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