It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
