:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
