toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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