Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
