I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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