she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
