I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize