In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
