Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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