but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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