absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Let's get the cat blown out
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
