tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
