I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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