she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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