Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
