:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
