I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
