your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
