I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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