Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
