So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
