I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize