Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
