they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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