im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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