I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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