I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you made out with another girl for some wings
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
